some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
