I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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