I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
