Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
