Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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