i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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