I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
