cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
