seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
