he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
