I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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