Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
