We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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