According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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