You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
