I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
