i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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