My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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