Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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