I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
