I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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