You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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