Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Banned from zoo.
Again?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
