good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
