My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
