Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am available for nakedness
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