Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize