so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
