u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
