Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
