remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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