Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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