I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
