the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
