ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
