I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
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