I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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