OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
