I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
