i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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