Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
