You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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