Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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