She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
