Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize