Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
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