apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
