yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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