Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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