I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize