Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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