i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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