I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
