I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
