I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize