chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
