I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize