Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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