Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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