I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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