Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
