I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
