just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
